Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum

It has been a long time since I have been bullied. I think my height has been the biggest deterrent- people are intimidated by my size and therefore steer clear. I'd like to say I have a wicked reach and can kick some ass, but really I'm clumsy and not scary at all. Don't tell anyone.

Recently, at work of all places, I was threatened by a woman I have never officially met. And get this, she is bigger than me! This woman (let's call her The Giant) was recently informed I would be joining her department next year. Upon verifying my credentials (by asking around if that 'little blonde girl actually knows how to teach') she declared she was going to "eat me alive". Yep, I'm serious. This story was relayed to me and after I closed my gaping mouth (you can do the same), I decided I had to be a part of this. In Barney Stinson fashion, I stood and declared, "Challenge accepted".

I'm Swedish and we don't do confrontation very well. In fact, we often hide from it. The secret is avoiding public conflict with others, and then confidentially bitching about it later. Although this strategy works well most of the time, I decided I needed to find some humor in my situation. I wanted to let her know that I knew what was said, but didn't want to cause tension or further aggravate The Giant. And I REALLY didn't want to be eaten alive. That doesn't sound like my kind of party. And so, I developed a plan. 

I decided I would secretly deliver a random food item to The Giant every day. At first, maybe she would assume a student had left an anonymous gift. As the days pass, it is my greatest hope she will start to think it was strange that undisclosed edible items kept appearing on her desk and will start asking around to see if other teachers had similar experiences. One of these glorious days, I will be in the right place at the right time, and The Giant would inquire about her mysterious foodstuffs in my presence. This will be my shining moment.

I will then proudly raise my hand and innocently announce that it is I, the "little blonde girl", who had been namelessly gifting her delicious goodies. As the puzzled Giant pondered my admission, I will disclose I heard she was planning on eating me alive, and that I didn't want her to be too hungry when the day arrived. BAM. Brilliant. (And hilarious, I might add.) I can't wait. 

Now this could go one of a few different ways. The Giant and I could have a good laugh about this and move on... OR...I'm gonna need a lot of magic beans, a huge beanstalk and a friend named Jack with an ax. I'll keep you posted. 

To The Giant, if you are reading this:

1. I'm flattered you are a fan.

2. Please don't eat me.